umbralla | [for romain]

[for romain]

[It's not hard to find Ghyslain when he's not in class or the dorms - he doesn't go out a lot, and when there aren't classes in the music room, he'll most likely be there. How often do you find a giant grand piano to play, after all? Even his family had a much smaller one, slightly out of tune, which grated on someone with such a natural ear when he came back from lessons and had to practice on it.

Today he's playing something he remembers his older sister listening to; not his kind of music, but the musician was damn good on piano, so the melodies stick out and he picks them out when he hasn't got a song in mind. It's slow at first, then picks up to the actual speed of the song, light and flourishing.

He's clearly in his own world, pale eyes dreamy and head swaying back and forth. In a soft, deep voice, he tries to translate the lyrics he can remember, but they come without scansion and rhyme because it's so off the top of his head.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ce n'est pas important.

[He's outwardly angry again, but it's only because he's crumbling inside. He can't decide if he said exactly the right or the wrong thing, and sharing the truth with Romain to get his opinion is far too dangerous. It was made clear to him that Fallon would not lose his job if a word was spoken - Ghyslain would lose his place in the school. Students were making such claims about the teachers here all the time and apparently, the odds were never in their favour. It's just too prestigious an academy for the accusations to stick.

So he can't. He can't. But oh god, he feels sick. Why did he say all that?]

Romain, can we talk another time? I want to, but - I do not feel well.

Oh.

[Disappointed settles in there and then, heavy in his chest. If he was nervous before he only remembered it now, after the adrenaline of saving Ghyslain from an extremely unpleasant situation has passed.]

I - [Have been practicing this all day and gathering the courage to text you forever but hey, sure.] If you want. [and on a less mopey note -] Do you want me to call the nurse?

[When he hears that heavy disappointment in Romain's voice, he feels himself tugged in even more directions. Why does he assume Romain would tell anyone? Because the first boy he was with spread that fact around? But he hasn't heard a word about himself and Romain. That's not a pattern that appears to be repeating itself at all. His trust is just shot through with holes, regardless of who he's dealing with.

And that's not fair to Romain. He's been nothing but trustworthy so far.]

Non, non, je m'excuse - [God, he's saying that a lot lately.] - I do not need the nurse. Of course we can speak now.

[His hand is shaking just a little when he brings it up to rub at his eyes.]

In private. Please.

[He still looks concerned when Ghyslain agrees to talk after all, but he's certainly not going to put it off now.]

If you're sure.

[So with that, he leads to them off to a room. His room.]

[Once they're in Romain's room, he sits on the edge of the bed and scrubs more roughly at his eyes with the heels of his hands - there have been no tears yet, but it looks like he's warning them off.]

This is important. But you should speak first.

[and as soon as Ghyslain instructs him to go first, he starts pacing. He was going to offer him something to drink or eat, but - okay. Best to just get it off his chest.

He sighs.]

Okay. So. Uhm - [uhm uhm uhm. He practiced this for hours. Where did his words go?] I've never been with a guy before. But you knew that. What I mean is, I've been thinking a lot about what we did, and what it means - you know? I mean, I obviously liked you. And you liked me too. But it was my first time with a guy. I never even thought about it before. I just needed to figure out what that meant about me, if it...

[If it was out of a genuine attraction or a drunken fluke.]

Anyway. I'm not gay. [~~I LOVE VAGINA~~] I've always been attracted to girls, I'm just also attracted to you now. Maybe it's just you? [rahhh. let him ruffle his hair.] I've got no idea how any of this is supposed to work. Just thought I was straight.

So my conclusion is... I like you. I said that already.

[this is going well.]

... but I don't want a relationship. I'd like to see you agan, but not for a relationship. So... if you'd rather keep your distance based on that, that's fine by me. I get it.

[Incredibly, with all of the misery written across his face from the moment Romain found him, that makes him smile. He bite down on his bottom lip, trying to stifle it, but it just keeps spreading and widening the more Romain speaks.]

You have always been very clear with what you want, Romain. The only thing unclear was - [Whether or not he wanted anything with Ghyslain.] - it has been answered.

[There's still the matter of the offer he's received, but that doesn't need to be a thing here. Neither one wants to be tied down. He can struggle with that later, if it's even still open.]

C'est bien, ça. C'est parfait. [And he's not lying. A relationship right now would be worlds too complicated, and he strongly believes it would destroy the best chance he's ever had for a deeply fulfilling friendship. But it sounds like they can still be physical, and even close, which is all he would have asked if he had been the one to open this.]

What - really?

[he arches his brows. He somehow thought Ghyslain would be more sentimental than that. But if it's perfect...]

So you're not hurt or anything.

I think… that it is more mature, your way. Always to cling and beg for more, that is like a child.

[As he was just told. He's sure of it, now that both people he wants have presented this approach to him, and they're both older. If it's not what he wants, it's what he should want. And he thinks it's safer, no matter what - Romain will be there, in his life, without the potential for a break up. Friends can work through things without that chasm always waiting to devour them.]

And I have said. I have grown beyond expectations. You have not hurt me. [Je t'aime is complicated, so he's happy for English just this once.] I like you as well.

Oh. Well... That's good.

[No, it is. Not that Ghyslain says it in the most optimistic manner, but it works. Right?]

So. Yeah.

[He smiles once more, but it's not the bright, powerful thing it was before. That so means it's his turn.]

Now I must speak. And what I say, you cannot repeat.

Yeah, of course. ['you cannot repeat'. Why would he repeat anything he says to someone else? Well - aside from the talk with Celeste, no one else even heard about that first night. he sits down on the bed with him.] Go ahead.

[It's not so much a warning geared toward Romain as - something he'd say to anyone he told. This is not a story he ever expected to tell, and his skin is crawling with nervousness, hands gripping his knees.]

When I was rejected for the Secondary orchestra, Fallon said that it was my own fault. He said – that I waste myself on modern music. But he also said that I was a prodige, and that private tutoring would fix my mistake.

[There’s no hint of that smile now. He’s small again, pale, eyes far too large in his face and more shadowed than ever.]

He taught me many things.

[Fallon. Pinset's first name, right? It's not weird that a music student should know it, but definitely weird that he should use it. Romain remembers doing the same, and that's why he immediately frowns.

No. Don't think that - but then Ghyslain keeps talking, and oh God...]

... yeah?

[He's sticking to English again, aside from the few mistakes that come from similar words, to give his thoughts that extra focus. Choose his words carefully.]

This was the first that lasted longer than - once. I could not believe he would come back. Every time, I could not believe. I was so happy. To have this kind of attention, I thought...

[Sucking on his lower lip for a second.] ... it was not always good attention. Sometimes it was no attention at all, but that did not last. I learned how to get the attention back.

[... shit. shit shit shit. No. Not him. Not a kid like Ghyslain. No wonder he looks so vulnerable - so sad. And with a creep like Pinset? It makes him feel sick.

(Is that how Ghyslain would feel if Romain told him about Elena? He might just be underestimating his strength, but... he looks so broken about it, all the while maintaining the facade.)]

Is what why...?

[They were fighting.]

[He swallows hard at that, gripping his knees even tighter.]

When all of the attention stopped, I became upset and angry. He told me that I was a child and that I had seen things that were not there. Now - now he tells me that I am an adult, and if I am ready for what he wants, I can have it back.

[And oh god, what did he do.]

Ghyslain - no. You can't let him do that.

[He's a fucking hypocrite for saying that, because if Elena came back and spoke the right words he'd be under her spell all over again, even if it only lasted one night. But he knows it's so wrong at an intimate level. He sees that now. Even more so when he sees it happening to someone else.]

He's an asshole. And he's a professor. Worse, he's an asshole.

[Romain doesn't need to know him to be absolutely certain he deserves better.]

Now? [Ghyslain's laugh is entirely unpleasant, a bit chilling.] Now I cannot. I have cursed at him, said terrible things. He will probably remove me from the program, or I will fail every course.

[He does whatever the fuck he wants. And right now his pride has to be stinging, so that'll probably mean ruining one student's life. Just one among many, what's the difference?]

Je suis ruiné.

No! He can't do that. There's no way. They've gotta know how good you are, he can't just cut you off. We'll -

[Go to the board. And immediately upon getting that thought he knows how useless it'll be. Sure, he could have tried with Elena when she took advantage of him, but what good would that have done. She told him exactly what happen to boys and girls who slept with the faculty and couldn't keep it to themselves: they were told to hush, threatened to get kicked out if they didn't, and instructed to move on for the sake of the academy's reputation. Their teachers were valuable; the students had yet to prove themselves.

Good thing he was in love the whole time, otherwise he might have tried.

So... fuck.]

There's gotta be something. You gotta have something on him, right?

[All of that. Exactly all of that. How strange that Romain knows it well enough to cut himself off - there's a lot of talk about this sort of thing, whispers, but Romain gave up immediately and went to strong blackmail.

Ghyslain might pick that up in another mood, but right now he's both nervous and crushed, a horrible combination for thinking clearly.]

There are apologies he will accept.

[Low and grim.]

I know his moods. He has been a good teacher in that way.

[He knows exactly what Ghyslain means, and that's scary as hell. Who know it'd feel so crushing to find someone who'd been in the exact same situation he was years ago. It... must be that protective instinct that's been there from the start.]

You're not going back to him, are you?

[Hypocrite. Hypocrite. One word from Elena and he'd be right back. Eventually he'd see he was too different to feel the same way about her anymore, but for the first night -

This is different, though. She made Romain feel like he was in a relationship that could eventually become real. Fallon is outright trying to control Ghyslain. Trapping him.]

I cannot see another way.

[And that makes his gut twist violently, the idea of going back without being sure that it's what he wants. Because something made him lash out like that, even if he doesn't understand it yet.

With a soft but audible breath, he looks over at Romain, a bit of fragile hope on his face.]

He is not jealous. [So they can still do their thing, right? They're okay?]

Right. Of course he's not. [Which isn't sarcasm. He isn't at all surprised by the idea that Fallon might have more than one student to toy with.]

I'm really sorry.

Non, c'est mon faute.

[Now he looks angrier than ever. That explosion was inexcusable, and he doesn't even know why it happened. How could he be so stupid?!]

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