umbralla | [for romain]

[for romain]

[It's not hard to find Ghyslain when he's not in class or the dorms - he doesn't go out a lot, and when there aren't classes in the music room, he'll most likely be there. How often do you find a giant grand piano to play, after all? Even his family had a much smaller one, slightly out of tune, which grated on someone with such a natural ear when he came back from lessons and had to practice on it.

Today he's playing something he remembers his older sister listening to; not his kind of music, but the musician was damn good on piano, so the melodies stick out and he picks them out when he hasn't got a song in mind. It's slow at first, then picks up to the actual speed of the song, light and flourishing.

He's clearly in his own world, pale eyes dreamy and head swaying back and forth. In a soft, deep voice, he tries to translate the lyrics he can remember, but they come without scansion and rhyme because it's so off the top of his head.]

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[He's sticking to English again, aside from the few mistakes that come from similar words, to give his thoughts that extra focus. Choose his words carefully.]

This was the first that lasted longer than - once. I could not believe he would come back. Every time, I could not believe. I was so happy. To have this kind of attention, I thought...

[Sucking on his lower lip for a second.] ... it was not always good attention. Sometimes it was no attention at all, but that did not last. I learned how to get the attention back.

[... shit. shit shit shit. No. Not him. Not a kid like Ghyslain. No wonder he looks so vulnerable - so sad. And with a creep like Pinset? It makes him feel sick.

(Is that how Ghyslain would feel if Romain told him about Elena? He might just be underestimating his strength, but... he looks so broken about it, all the while maintaining the facade.)]

Is what why...?

[They were fighting.]

[He swallows hard at that, gripping his knees even tighter.]

When all of the attention stopped, I became upset and angry. He told me that I was a child and that I had seen things that were not there. Now - now he tells me that I am an adult, and if I am ready for what he wants, I can have it back.

[And oh god, what did he do.]

Ghyslain - no. You can't let him do that.

[He's a fucking hypocrite for saying that, because if Elena came back and spoke the right words he'd be under her spell all over again, even if it only lasted one night. But he knows it's so wrong at an intimate level. He sees that now. Even more so when he sees it happening to someone else.]

He's an asshole. And he's a professor. Worse, he's an asshole.

[Romain doesn't need to know him to be absolutely certain he deserves better.]

Now? [Ghyslain's laugh is entirely unpleasant, a bit chilling.] Now I cannot. I have cursed at him, said terrible things. He will probably remove me from the program, or I will fail every course.

[He does whatever the fuck he wants. And right now his pride has to be stinging, so that'll probably mean ruining one student's life. Just one among many, what's the difference?]

Je suis ruiné.

No! He can't do that. There's no way. They've gotta know how good you are, he can't just cut you off. We'll -

[Go to the board. And immediately upon getting that thought he knows how useless it'll be. Sure, he could have tried with Elena when she took advantage of him, but what good would that have done. She told him exactly what happen to boys and girls who slept with the faculty and couldn't keep it to themselves: they were told to hush, threatened to get kicked out if they didn't, and instructed to move on for the sake of the academy's reputation. Their teachers were valuable; the students had yet to prove themselves.

Good thing he was in love the whole time, otherwise he might have tried.

So... fuck.]

There's gotta be something. You gotta have something on him, right?

[All of that. Exactly all of that. How strange that Romain knows it well enough to cut himself off - there's a lot of talk about this sort of thing, whispers, but Romain gave up immediately and went to strong blackmail.

Ghyslain might pick that up in another mood, but right now he's both nervous and crushed, a horrible combination for thinking clearly.]

There are apologies he will accept.

[Low and grim.]

I know his moods. He has been a good teacher in that way.

[He knows exactly what Ghyslain means, and that's scary as hell. Who know it'd feel so crushing to find someone who'd been in the exact same situation he was years ago. It... must be that protective instinct that's been there from the start.]

You're not going back to him, are you?

[Hypocrite. Hypocrite. One word from Elena and he'd be right back. Eventually he'd see he was too different to feel the same way about her anymore, but for the first night -

This is different, though. She made Romain feel like he was in a relationship that could eventually become real. Fallon is outright trying to control Ghyslain. Trapping him.]

I cannot see another way.

[And that makes his gut twist violently, the idea of going back without being sure that it's what he wants. Because something made him lash out like that, even if he doesn't understand it yet.

With a soft but audible breath, he looks over at Romain, a bit of fragile hope on his face.]

He is not jealous. [So they can still do their thing, right? They're okay?]

Right. Of course he's not. [Which isn't sarcasm. He isn't at all surprised by the idea that Fallon might have more than one student to toy with.]

I'm really sorry.

Non, c'est mon faute.

[Now he looks angrier than ever. That explosion was inexcusable, and he doesn't even know why it happened. How could he be so stupid?!]

No, it's really not.

[He knows that at a rational level, he really does. But he also knows that these people make you feel like it was your choice when in reality you were just cornered all along.]

Trust me. I know what I'm talking about.

[And he thinks he's being subtle enough that he won't be asked questions. He moves his hand to place it on Ghyslain's.]

You know him? Or - another?

[Stories everywhere, after all.

As soon as he feels Romain's hand on his, he turns his over, holding it tightly. It didn't hit him until he said it, how real the consequences of his outburst could be. He's terrified.]

[Another. Romain lowers his gaze as soon as he realizes Ghyslain picked it up.]

... You can't repeat it either.

[A story, that's all he thought. But now he's staring at Romain, mouth open, eyes wide and horrified. But Romain hasn't dated since he was sixteen...]

Romain...

[Please don't let that be pity. He feels it'd be so misplaced on him.]

She's still here. One of the teachers. [He huffs, smiling, but it's completely mirthless.] She teaches Ethics, if you can believe it.

[And, well. It's not like he feels there's a lot to tell.]

I thought she was beautiful. Charismatic. I guess she liked that I was so infatuated with her. [a small shrug.] There's a lot I learned from her too. And I thought I was in love, but. A teacher and some stupid kid. It couldn't ever be love, right?

[He knows the one. She is beautiful and charismatic, he doesn't have to be straight to see that. It wouldn't be a difficult crush to develop.

But he doesn't know what to say. It couldn't ever be love, when he's bared so much of his feeling for Fallon. He believed he was in love, and still doesn't know if it's true or not, but he's not as jaded as Romain by half. Romain has stripped all value from the situation other than the education.]

I believe I may be more romantic than you. Is that the word? [Yes, but also sentimental, as Romain thought before.] I do not see why not.

[He strokes his thumb lightly over Romain's, just a subtle hint of comfort.]

It was beautiful, and then it was painful. That is love. [SO FRENCH.]

[Subtle, but it speaks loudly.]

If he's going to ruin your life because you won't give him what he wants, then it isn't love. Not one bit.

[Because even though he just told his own, painful story, he's still got his protective instinct all over Ghyslain's situation.]

I am afraid of him.

[It's admitted after a long silence, very quietly, and it sounds a lot like he's admitting it to himself as much as Romain.]

There's nothing beautiful about that.

[He really wants to be able to think of something to keep his hands off Ghyslain.]

[... no. No, there isn't. He was told exactly what he feared he'd done wrong and given an answer, but now he sees how twisted and manipulative it really was. Does he still want to go back? At least partially. But it's a guilty urge.]

Why did I say those things? Stupide, stupide...

... no. Hey. [the hand moves up to Ghyslain's arm, grounded and comforting.] Don't go calling yourself names. Whatever you're feeling right now - he made you feel it.

[made him, as in he was manipulated.]

It sucks to think that we don't have much power in this. Took me forever to see it like that.

[He swallows hard, raising his eyes to Romain's.]

You were hurt much more badly than me, I think.

What? [... no one's said that. Has anyone ever said anything about this, other than Elena? He never even thought about it.

So he turns his gaze away. He's afraid whatever might come across will be too ugly for Ghyslain to see.]

... Nah. I mean, yeah, it hurt, but she's not doing anything like this to me.

This is working because I still want to believe. You do not. Maybe you cannot.

[He's much more jaded, and that reads as much more deeply hurt to Ghyslain. There's real sadness and regret in his eyes now - not pity, but pain for Romain.]

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